Babe: Three and a half
Babeling: Four and a half months

The other day I checked what Gina Ford’s babies are doing at four and a half months. They are, of course, feeding four-hourly during the day and sleeping throughout the night.

Here’s a sample of our nightly routine, or more specifically, last night’s routine:

7pm: Babeling goes to sleep. So far, so good.

11pm: Wend my way leisurely to bed expecting a peaceful night, basing my optimism on what, I can’t remember. The babeling wakes up as I walk into the bedroom.

11.15pm Babeling still awake, chatting and cooing, so decide to feed her. Maybe she’ll sleep til 7am! (Maybe not.)

11.30pm Babeling back in bed. Go to sleep.

2.03am Woken from a deep sleep by wailing from the babe’s room – ‘MUMMEEEEE! WANT MY DUMMEEEEE!’ – yes, she still has one, and that’s a subject for another blog.

Stumble into her room, tell her to find it herself, stumble to loo, by which time she has found it.

2.15am Can’t sleep. Need bowl of cereal.

2.30am Need a big slice of cheese.

2.36am Oops, woke the babeling. Oh well, time for a feed. Let’s get this over with quickly.

2.45am Babeling throws up as I bundle her back into the cot after the feed. Luckily the bib saves her sleeping bag. Unluckily it does not save my pyjama trousers.

3.00am Babeling not settled. Ah, need to change her nappy.

3.05am Babeling throws up rest of feed. Sleeping bag not so lucky this time. Changed and back in cot.

3.15am Need some more cereal. Eat it without my pyjama bottoms on.

3.30am Go back into room, disturbing the babeling.

3.36am Oh well, I’ll feed her as she threw up the last lot.

3.46am Babeling back in cot but wide awake. I really, really need to sleep.

4.00am Can’t sleep. Babeling chatting.

4.30am Can’t sleep. Babeling still awake. Decide world is against me and burst into tears. Hate babyfather for sleeping peacefully in spare room. Cuddle babeling while sobbing. Babeling goes to sleep (must remember this method).

4.37am Take duvet, pillow and baby monitor to sitting room and settle down on sofa.

4.45am My nose is blocked.

4.50am My legs are cold.

5.00am Sound of thunder overhead, i.e. the babe has got up and is running full pelt somewhere. Where?

5.01am Maybe just to the toilet and back.

5.02am I should ignore her and go to sleep. She’ll be fine.

5.03am What if she goes into my room and I’m not there?

5.04am She’d cry if she was upset. She’s not crying. I should just go to sleep.

5.05am What if she’s standing staring at my empty bed in silent trauma?

5.06am Or curled up in terror in the corner?

5.07am Go upstairs. Babe has been to see babyfather after a bad dream and is trotting back to bed.

5.08am Go downstairs. Try to sleep.

5.30am Still awake

6.00am Still awake and now babeling chatting on baby monitor.

6.03am Go upstairs and feed babeling. She falls asleep on me. Transfer her steathily into cot without bothering to change nappy or remove bib. Sneak downstairs.

6.30am Go to sleep, mercifully, at last, thank you God, and dream that it’s the 1970s and I have contracted a variant of smallpox.

8.30am Everyone wakes up and babyfather is late for work. Serves him right.

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