Babe: 3 years and 2 months
Babeling: 4 days

My milk ‘came in’ the day before yesterday. This event was easy to spot – my normal frontal arrangement was replaced by two rock hard, rigid comedy breasts three times the size of the old pair. If I didn’t have a big wobbly jelly belly to go with them, I’d look great.

I was just marvelling at it all in the bath when I realised I might be looking at an opportunity for a night out. Er, let me clarify. My plan was to get out the breast pump and express a whole bottleful so that babyfather and I could go out for a leisurely dinner one evening before the ganparents go home. There looked to be at least half a pint in each, and anyway, it might relieve that swollen feeling.

Lots of enthusiastic sterilising and pumping later, I had produced a total output of 10ml. Yes, that’s two teaspoons.

‘Your breasts are engorged with blood, not milk,’ said Ganny, which would certainly explain the attractive network of blue veins. What good blood might be to the babeling, I’m not sure. For relief I had to resort to the old cabbage leaf in the bra trick, except I could only find a red cabbage and I think it’s stained my bra.