Babe: 3 years and 1 month
Babeling: Due in 4 weeks

Surely you are all wondering how the babe’s Autumn Concert went?

Well, we were both traumatised before we even got there. My confidence in motherhood had taken a knock the day before when we got to the swimming pool and she completely point blank refused to get into her swimming costume. I had no idea what to do, or in fact who she was any more. We had to come home without swimming.

So there we were at ten minutes to getting in the car time, with me begging her to try on her concert costume, and her refusing. She was a circle not a triangle, as requested, since this was OK with nursery, and I was trying to dress her in a couple of uninspiring painted cardboard circles tied together with string. Threats and bribes were equally ineffective so I resorted to getting in touch with my inner toddler and shouting at her. The angel of the Lord – in the form of babyfather – arrived just in time to see her collapse in tears in the face of my rage. Not a proud moment.

I was calmer when we got there, 15 minutes late, having attacked the circle with a bread knife so that it was about half the size and she suddenly didn’t mind wearing it. Ahead of us was a Star, dressed in a gorgeous white lace and chiffon number with sparkly bits – not the most encouraging sight – but just behind us was a mother with a little boy in normal clothes.

‘Mine’s an Oval. Nice and easy,’ she said, before pulling a yellow oval shape printed onto a piece of A4 out of her bag. She attached it to his sweatshirt with two safety pins and sent him on his way.

‘Oh,’ I said. Phew. I expressed admiration and noted that she was a Mother of Two.

As for the actual concert – the babe was completely overwhelmed by the audience and chose to face the other way as much as possible, but who cares. We survived, and she didn’t cry; and she gained a red Certificate of Music and Acting Acheivement which I try not to laugh about in front of her.

Oh, and the Oval’s mother came up to me at the end and said, ‘I don’t know you, but do you want my old maternity clothes?’ Yes, thank you, and she’s bringing them on Monday.