Babe: 3 years and 1 month
Babeling: Expected in exactly 1 month

That’s it now. I can no longer wear clothes.

I did have three decent pair of maternity trousers and that was fine. Then one day two weeks ago two of them stopped fitting, and by stopped fitting I mean I only had to take two steps for the crotch to sink to knee level. I did have one denim maternity skirt which stayed put, but the tights were worse than the trousers – I spent the last day I wore that trying to push a buggy with one hand while surreptitiously plunging the other hand down the inside of my skirt in order to yank up my wayward hosiery. Every three steps or so.

Another mum at nursery kindly lent me her maternity jeans, which are not only better at staying up but rather flattering. They were great for about a week, and I was relieved to have two pairs of trousers to alternate. Now both these jeans are struggling to do their duty – they have to be hitched up every ten paces, and you just can’t when you are holding your child’s hand on one side and your shopping on the other.

The shape I am just does not lend itself to being dressed. There are three solutions:

– Only be heavily pregnant in the summer, and wear floaty dresses.

– Only wear dungarees.

– Don’t bother to get dressed.

I haven’t got any dungarees, so I’ll let you know what I decide. In the mean time the sheer indignity of it all is probably good preparation for childbirth.