Babe: 2 years and 10 months outside
Babeling: 5 months inside

1. Don’t be born last in the family, if you want to be taken seriously about anything, ever. If you are, make sure you start your own family first and have more children than your siblings. I’ve failed on both these fronts and the result is that the annual family calendar with personalised photos never carries my offspring on the front page – sometimes, indeed, she doesn’t appear until April.

(We’ve just arrived at Ganny and Gandad’s where the Elder Babyaunt is already in residence with her two children. Actually it’s been very good fun so far, but even pregnant I have less status than her.)

2. Don’t get attached to fellow Londoners who have more family members than bedrooms. They may swear blind that they are not going to leave but they are, especially if they have malicious upstairs neighbours.

The babe’s Very Best Red Headed Friend is leaving London. I can’t blame them for swapping their one bedroom flat (the VBRHF has the bedroom – the parents have the sitting room) for a three bedroom house round the corner from devoted grandparents in Oxfordshire, but I am GUTTED. I cried into my spaghetti for half an hour after they told me. I would think the world of them whether or not we had red-headed offspring in common, but nothing is more bonding than sharing the shock and awe of recent parenthood. And once you’ve fed your children tea at the same table, changed nappies together and put them in the same bath, you’ve crossed a line. (Like being blood brothers, but different bodily fluids.)

On a happier note, Chilled Mum has done me a huge favour. Chilled Boy is 4 and due to start school in September, so I was resigning myself to her return to work and seeing a lot less of her. I was wrong! She is very obligingly going to have a baby, 3 months after the babeling is due. Hurrah. We can be sicked on together (see above re. bodily fluides) and be friends for life.

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