Babe: 2 years and 10 months outside
Babeling: 20 weeks inside

‘Madam, you are indecorous,’ said babyfather the other day at the table after witnessing the babe eating yoghurt without the help of her hands.

‘Are not indecorous,’ she said swiftly.

She’s discovered that she doesn’t need to know what a word means to use it herself. When the brother-in-law threatened to ‘beat’ her, a new term, she thought about it for two whole seconds. Then she announced, ‘If I beat Mummy and Daddy…they will be BEATY!’

It almost works – she wasn’t to know the suffix –en was the one to choose – the main thing was that we all fell about laughing, which was good enough for her.

She is indecorous though. The other day, witnessed of course by the Very Best Red Headed Friend’s parents, the babe emerged from the toilet having not quite finished what she was doing.Her trousers were missing, her pants were round her ankles, and she was holding a whole roll of toilet paper in one hand while wiping herself with the other. She had something urgent to say which couldn’t wait, so there she was telling us all about it as she wiped, and mid-sentence she released a massive, reverberating belch.

I was asked how much I was paying that Swiss finishing school. Very witty.